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Posts Tagged ‘Diet Coke’

  1. I’m On A “Diet”

    June 30, 2011 by parry

    Today I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch. This is what I call “being on a diet.” When I’m on a “diet,” I pretty much eat Lean Cuisines (and/or Smart Ones – they are generally cheaper and have tasty pastas that I drown in crushed red pepper flakes) as meals for as long as I can stand. Sometimes when I’m on a “diet,” I get really exercise-y and like to check in at the gym on FourSquare like, 5 times a week, and sometimes, I even go to bed early because I don’t have shit to snack on while I watch TV/obsessively shop online.

    Today I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch and it pissed me the fuck off. I think it was supposed to be like, Chicken Parm, but with lasagna, and the chicken patty looked similar to that of a McDonald’s chicken sandwich – which would have been AWESOME because I love those things. But alas, a McDonald’s chicken patty it was not. In fact, it tasted like lightly breaded Styrofoam. And the marinara was watery. And there were GIANT tomato chunks swimming in the goddamn watery marinara, which is just not okay in ANY dish for me.

    And I ate it. And I felt SAD. My lunch made me SAD, which I really hate. Because I LOVE to eat. I really do. And I love to eat crap. And maybe, one day, the crap that I eat, along with my beloved Diet Cokes, are going to make me fat. BUT NOT TODAY. Because today I am on a “diet” and it’s fucking bullshit.

    And you know what REALLY grinds my gears? “Naturally skinny people.” Bitch, please. That shit is about as real as Tinkberbell, as far as I’m concerned.

    Listen, I know there are skinny chicks out there who can hoover a cheeseburger and not feel it LITERALLY plant roots in their thighs, but I cannot stand it when “naturally skinny people” a.) complain about feeling fat (if you want attention, I’ll start moo-ing at you in public places), and b.) tell me that “it’s just the way I’m built!” and “it’s in my genes!”

    Oh really? Well then fuck you AND your mother. Because while you “eat whatever you want” and continue LIVING A LIE, I am eating THIS for lunch and I HATE YOU FOR IT:




  2. Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

    June 29, 2011 by parry

    This is seriously like, the worst thing that has happened to me since I found out Daniel Vosovic from Project Runway (Season 2), was gay. I had a MONSTER crush on him. BTW – Daniel, if you need a “fiercely real” model for your next collection, holler atcha girl. I’ve got tits and ass out the … ass (?) and what I lack in height, I make up for by smize-ing. ARG. FUCK YOU TYRA BANKS FOR ENGRAINING THESE RIDICULOUS MADE-UP WORDS INTO MY MIND! But not really because I LIVE for ANTM marathons, and I kind of think Tyra is like a schtizo Oprah. Please don’t hurt me!

    So yeah. I hope you guys are sitting down for this one. Because apparently, “SCIENCE” claims that my beloved Diet Coke MAKES YOU FAT. I know, I know. Why couldn’t it have been Diet Pepsi? Or Coke Zero? Okay actually it’s like, all things Diet Sugar Water. Which puts me in a really tough sitch: I mean, I NEED Diet Coke/Diet Dr. Pepper in my life. I really do. It must be coursing through my veins at this point, because I was pretty much raised on that shit (THANKS FOR MAKING ME AN ADDICT, MOM).

    But also: I FER SURE do not want to be fat. Not that I have a problem with fat┬ápeople or anything, but I really can’t afford to size up my wardrobe right now.