What kind of pop culture addict would I be if I didn’t have something to say about Kim Kardashian’s failed nuptials to the shitbag prehistoric oaf she married, also known as Kris Humphries? A bad one. Or a busy one. Both of which I am not. I aim to please, people. Anyone who knows me, knows I LOATHE Kimmy K. Do I think I could be friends with Kourtney and Khloe? Possibly. Do I too, admire the empire they’ve created for themselves, thus allowing them to do things like get cellulite removal on a whim and/or go buy Tampons and in a pair of spiked Louboutins? Totally. Did I watch “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” last night just so I could be all like, “GIRL. HELLO. WE (the people + Khloe) TOLD YOU SO!” Yes. Yes I did. Also, because it came on right after back-to-back episodes of “Sex & the City,” and by that point I had all but become an appendage from my couch.
But yeah I mean, HELLO! GIRL. SERIOUSLY. I don’t wish divorce upon anyone, but she was better off with Ray J. However, I’m not here to talk shit (today). I’m here to pass along the good word of comedian Rob Delaney, who, instead of over-analyzing “WHAT WENT WRONG” like the rest of us, is SUING Kim Kardashian, Ryan Seacrest, E! Entertainment Television, and Comcast for
“promoting their sham marriage, bilking advertisers, and polluting the airwaves of America and every other nation unfortunate enough to be subject to the disease of Kardashia.”
Aside from totally LOVING this idea and wish I had thought of it myself (a la Arrested Westeros), I thought Rob’s advice to Kim on the subject of marriage was particularly poignant:
“Sometimes it sucks. And I don’t mean lower-case “s” sucks. I mean it SUCKS so fucking hard you’re POSITIVE you’ll give yourself stomach cancer or an embolism as you try to make your spouse explode through telekinesis. When you relax, however, and remember that you’re a bigger asshole than they are, with enough neuroses and calcified bad habits to warrant their own card catalog, you realize that they’re struggling through life’s shit storm just like you. Then you take a shower together and fuck while laughing.”
RIIIIIIIEEEGHT?! You guys need to read this article in full. He eventually goes on to call Kim a “sexy monster,” which I enjoy.
Also, Rob, we should be friends. Or at least pen pals. I have a lot of things I’d like to talk to you about with extreme emphasis via CAPSLOCK.