Have you guys listened to the new album Stevie Nicks released earlier this year? It’s called In Your Dreams, and that bitch still looks as mystical as ever on the cover. She’s all like, “Hey man. I finally mellowed out on the drugs and now I’m all serene and fiercely fuckin’ folky with my magical white steed that’s going to take me back to the days when Lindsey Buckingham was kind of a babe. I kept all my hair in tact, why couldn’t he hang on to his, ya dig?” That’s my 70s voice.
Anyways, I’ve been having a major moment with Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac since like, forever, so here’s The Top 5 Reasons Stevie Nicks (was AND is) The Tits:
1. She makes ridiculous things look un-ridiculous.
For example: Top hats, polka-dot netted veils, Lindsey Buckingham’s mustache on the cover of Buckingham Nicks’ 1973 LP. Seriously, how does she do it? I wore a simple, on-trend, flat-brimmed floppy black hat one day and Boyfriend told me it aged me like, 20 years. Cool. So much for fall fedoras. And even Lady Gaga looks legit ridiculous in netted veils, despite “ridiculous” supposedly being her “thing.” But I also think that Lady Gaga looks stupid fucking ridiculous no matter what she does because I hate her and wish that she and her catchy songs would go away. Stevie’s ability to sexify Lindsey’s flimsy porn star ‘stache on their LP cover speaks for itself. She looks all naked and edge of seventeen. And therefore Lindsey is hawt by association for being naked with her, mustache and all. Ya dig? I will work on the 70s voice, I swear.
2. She had the strength to not push Taylor Swift off the GD stage after she BUTCHERED “Rhiannon” at the 2010 Grammys.
I’m still angry about this. That shit made my skin crawl. I mean, Stevie is a gypsy goddess LEGEND and Taylor Swift has made it abundantly clear that she cannot carry a tune to save her bubblegum-infused life. Did they pay Stevie in Klonopins for that appearance? Because I’m pretty sure she MUST have been sedated to agree to be a BACKUP singer for one of Taylor’s songs at the end of that medley. They would have been better off putting Stevie up there with Susan fucking Boyle. At least that woman has enough sense to stay away from John Mayer. Regardless, I admire Miss Nicks for her ability to keep it together on stage in front of millions (while I screamed obscenities at my television). But I mean, it was probably the Klonopins.
3. Speaking of Klonopins, Stevie was was addicted to them for 8 YEARS. AFTER being addicted to cocaine for 10 YEARS. That brings her to a grand total of 18 YEARS of addiction. And she didn’t die. Nor could I find any sloppy photos of her on the interwebs. So I mean, congratulations. I’m not even mad. I’m just amazed.
That pretty much sums it up.
4. She is 62 years old and has apparently yet to begin the aging process.
Either that or she’s drinking the blood of newborns. I mean really. Look at the woman. 62! Are you kidding me?! I am 27 and already having issues with the lines around my mouth. I’m sure she’s stoked that the whole BoHo trend is staying put, because there’s got to be SOMETHING unsightly and saggy under there. She’s so super lucky though. She gets to continue to dress like she did in her 20s and she can make it WERK. Because if Nicole Richie’s wearing it, then consider yourself cool. Seriously. Love that skinny bitch.
5. She was kiiiiiiiind of slutty back in her day, but that seemed to make her a more interesting artist. So, I’d definitely consider that one a point for women. Pretty much.
Not that I am encouraging any of you to act like a mechanical bull and let everyone get a ride, but I’ve read a shit ton of articles on Stevie, and no one had the balls to seriously criticize her for sleeping around. To which I say, good for her. Because I hate double-standards like that. And since her abilities as a songwriter SO majorly overshadowed her privates’ public appearances, all people could manage was “Hey man. Doesn’t Stevie have the raddest collection of saris? And I love the shit out of that song “Never Goin’ Back Again.” Is she banging Buckingham or Fleetwood? Whatever. She’s a babe. Do you have a lighter?” It’s possible this was a benefit from the era of Free Love, but I think there’s a lesson to be learned here anyways. Basically, if you’re really pretty and decide to be kind of a slutty homewrecker, you should probably be super talented at something other than fellatio. Shit like PR and real estate and counting calories doesn’t count, BTW.