I just wrote this really long thing about how I’m going to the gym again after a lengthy hiatus that rivals the assumed end through recent rebirth of the Backstreet Boys, but then decided to go with a quick list instead. You know, in case you want to let me earfuck you with the extended version in a book someday instead of posting it here and then rehashing it later and having people get pissy because it’s not “new” material and therefore I’m not “original” and all the sudden I’m being crucified for copying my own goddamn work. These are my struggles.
So here’s a list of the kind of people I want to bludgeon with a bodybar when I’m at the aforementioned gym:
1. Skinny people: The gym is for fatties, flabbies and average white girls with cellulite. You’re making us feel bad if we have to watch you get “toned” while we try not to suffocate in a sportsbra.
2. Fatties: Gross. So red and sweaty! Nobody wants to see that.
3. Scented people: Have you ever gotten like, SO wasted one night and then briskly walked to brunch the next day, sans shower, and like, halfway through your jalapeno-infused egg white Mexican omelet souffle with wheat toast and turkey bacon, you get really hot and suddenly you’re sweating and your sweat smells JUST like the seven jalapeno-infused margaritas you had last night when you were like, SO wasted? Yeah? It’s not cute, right? Okay, well neither is your cheap-ass, designer-impostor Bath & Body Works Vanilla Bean perfume-spritz-shit when you’re sweating next to me on a treadmill. I’m gagging. Can you not see me gagging?
4. Anorexics: We get it. You’re working just as hard as the rest of us to be skinny.
5. Pregnant Kim Kardashian: Granted, I have never seen her at my gym, but I have seen enough photos of her chin-grazing cleavage in self-suffocating sports tops to last me from now until forever. I’m sure Jessica Simpson has a few spare caftans she can borrow.
(image via someecards)